TOWNSHEND — I dressed for school, putting on my plaid polyester skirt, zipping it up. It fit fine, but how long would I be able to wear this school uniform? How long before I started to show? I put on a white blouse and my maroon sweater. I looked the same but didn't feel the same.
All day long at school, I felt like I had a special secret inside. I couldn't wait to get home and call Kevin with the news.
“Guess what?” I asked when he answered.
“What?”
“I'm pregnant!” I exclaimed happily. During classes that day, I'd daydreamed about being parents together, holding and caring for our infant.
“I'm going home tonight,” he said. “My parents want to talk.”
It was as if he hadn't heard what I said, so I said it again.
“I'm pregnant.”
“I know,” he said. “I heard you.”
“I was hoping you'd be happy. It's not like this is a mistake,” I reminded him.
“Yeah, I know. I'm just confused.”
I wanted him to be thrilled with the news, but he wasn't. We made plans to get together that night.
* * *
When I arrived at his parents' house, Kevin met me at the car and said his parents wanted him to stay home. Then, I was confused. I'd driven some distance to see him, and now he was saying I couldn't come in. He stood beside the car with his family's large brick colonial home behind him.
“I'm going to go to school,” he said. “My parents said I could go even though we're still engaged.”
“But I'm definitely pregnant,” I said, wanting him to remember that he'd promised to marry me.
“Yeah, and I'm going to school.”
I didn't understand. We'd been talking about what we were going to do for weeks. He'd been living at my house and then his brother's. He'd been out of his parents' house for three whole weeks. He'd applied for jobs. School had already started.
He'd said he didn't want to go. That he wanted to stay with me. He'd said he would go to college at night and work during the day. And now? Now that I was pregnant, he was leaving.
I started crying. Not just a little. A lot. I was totally shocked.
He held out two slips of paper.
“What's this?” I asked.
“They're names of counselors,” he said. “Places where you can go to give a baby up for adoption. My dad got them.”
“What are you talking about?”
My head was spinning. Adoption? He knew I was adopted. He knew I would never give our baby away. He knew that I didn't know who my birth parents were, and I'd told him how that made me feel like a part of me was missing.
He was still talking about what he and his parents had discussed, but I couldn't hear him. Suddenly, I felt like I was drowning and his words were swirling around me as if I was immersed in water.
“I still want to marry you,” he said, and I heard that, like he had thrown a life preserver into the water.
“You do?”
“Yes, of course. But I don't think I can be a father right now.” I didn't know what to say, and I couldn't talk if I'd wanted to because I was crying so much.
“Let's go for a walk,” he said.
“I thought you couldn't see me,” I managed to say.
“Yeah, well, a little walk won't hurt.” He held out his hand.
I stepped out of the car and took his hand, and we walked around the neighborhood until we came to a big rock at the end of a road.
“I still love you,” he said, and tried to kiss me. I pulled away.
“Hey,” he said. “I do.” And he tried again. This time I let him. My face was wet from crying, and he'd been crying too. We stayed there hugging and talking for about a half an hour. I didn't want to let go because it felt like I was losing him.
When we went back to his house, I didn't want to leave. But again he didn't ask me to come inside. He kissed me goodbye, but I didn't know when I would see him again, and it hurt not knowing, like I had a weight on my chest.
* * *
On the drive home, I thought about how long it had taken to find out I was pregnant. Would it have made any difference if we'd found out the news while he was living at my house and looking for work? Would he have stayed with me then? The whole way home, I kept wiping my eyes with a napkin.
The next day I called him, and his mother answered. When I asked for Kevin, she said, “He's busy right now. But I'd like to speak with you. You thought you could trap Kevin by getting engaged. Well-”
“Wait a minute,” I said, cutting her off. “Kevin wanted to get engaged.”
“And then you used sex to manipulate him.”
“It's not like I forced him!” I said. It was as if his family had another story about what had happened, and it was not the same story I was living. It seemed to me they were the ones who were doing the manipulating.
“He's leaving for school tomorrow, and you won't see him then,” she said, and she sounded pleased, smug even.
Leaving for school? Tomorrow?
“Please let me talk to Kevin,” I said, a whine rising in my voice.
I was left standing there, the dial tone sounding in my ear.
How was it that one evening we were making plans to get married and two days later, he was getting ready to leave for school? I felt dizzy. My world was spinning out of control, and I didn't know what to do. I hung up and just stood there.
* * *
Later that night, the phone rang. When I heard Kevin's voice, I was glad. But as he spoke, my eyes welled with tears.
“I'm going to be there for you in the end,” he said. “I love you.” More than anything, I wanted to believe him. But he was leaving, and this late-night phone call was our quiet goodbye.