BRATTLEBORO — “Jane” and her son lived together for many years. Her loneliness when he died was crushing.
Jane's need for companionship was so great that when Brattleboro Area Hospice began providing her with a bereavement volunteer, it wasn't enough. Hour-long visits stretched into two or three hours. When the volunteer would leave, Jane would begin asking about the next visit.
Melissa Hays, bereavement volunteer coordinator at Hospice, knew exactly what to do.
“A second volunteer was added to visit Jane,” Hays said. “Later, Jane entered a nursing home, and the volunteers continued to visit with her as she transitioned from one home to another.”
Gradually, Jane was helped to establish friendships at her new home. “As time went by, she was so busy with her new friends and the activity schedule at the nursing home; we knew our job was done,” Hays said.
Brattleboro Area Hospice is well known for the services it provides for the ill and the dying, but Hays suggests that the available bereavement support programs are not as familiar to the public.
“I want people to know that grief is often misunderstood in our culture. How long it can last, how intense it can be, how helpful it is to have someone listen to the story as a comfort. We support those left behind when death occurs,” says Hayes.
“The Bereavement Program was designed to follow up with the family or a friend left behind after their loved one dies,” she adds.
“We'll get a call from someone who needs support,” she says. “It could be a person who doesn't otherwise have support or a client in the community whose loved one died suddenly or died in another city or state and they weren't able to be there. We also assist those who might be referred to us by clergy, doctors, therapists, or through neighbors or friends.”
The program offers a number of opportunities for those who have suffered a loss, including support groups and individual sessions with Bereavement Care Coordinator Elizabeth Pitman.
Bereaved helping the bereaved
Natalie Donovan, of Williamsville, retired from the telephone company after 40 years of service. Six years ago, she took the Hospice Care volunteer training at Brattleboro Area Hospice and became involved in the bereavement program instead.
“It was an accident,” she says. “I took the regular Hospice volunteer class. My intention had been to work with those who are ill and dying. I had my first client, and then I worked with a second family with a man who was ill.”
“Ironically,” she adds, “this person passed away before I could really be a volunteer to him. However, his wife needed some guidance and I found I was doing bereavement work for which I had not yet been trained.”
Then Donovan lost her grandson.
“It was devastating,” she says.
“That's one of the reasons why I do this job. Melissa had asked me if I was interested, and I looked within and decided it would be a good thing for me to do,” Donovan recounts.
“I was fortunate that I had a lot of close friends and family, which everybody needs when they suffer a loss, but not everybody has. My grandson's death confirmed for me that help and support are so necessary when one is filled with grief,” she says.
Hays trains volunteers and matches each to the client he or she will serve. She also supports both parties in their work together by assisting and supporting volunteers one-on-one. She also creates events so that all the volunteers can get together and enjoy one another's company.
Donovan is thankful for that training and support throughout the seven-week training classes and beyond.
“I can't say enough about it,” she says.
Donovan describes some of the approaches.
“There are things we do to get comfortable. We role play. Melissa will throw out an idea, and we'll discuss it. We learn about the right and the wrong way to be a volunteer,” she says.
Both Hays and Donovan stress the importance of being a good listener, sitting very still, really taking in what the person is saying.
“It's important to remember that when grieving, everybody is different,” Donovan says. “There is no timeline. Sometimes people will say things that aren't appropriate like, 'It's been three months, when are you going to get over it?'”
Hays describes grief as “often underestimated in our culture.”
“We often lay judgment on people for how long they feel grief,” she says. “It's important for people to understand that grief takes its own time. Grief is a normal response to a momentous loss. Our culture has gotten away from that.”
“Not 80 years ago we had home burials. The body was in the home. Now that process is taken out of the hands of the people involved.
“We're also a faster paced society. We move around a lot. Not everyone can be home and be with their family during a time when a beloved family member is dying. That leaves us with the thoughts and feelings which remain after the death, and sometimes we're alone with all those feelings.”
Donovan adds that people need to talk about their loss repeatedly.
“It's essential for healing,” she says. “What they saw, how it felt - all the magical mystical pieces of it need to be processed.”
Is it all gloom and doom when meeting with those recovering from a loss?
“Oh, no,” Hays says with a laugh.
“Sometimes supporting someone else means just being together. Maybe a volunteer and a client don't even discuss the loss on a particular day,” she says.
“When people come together, there can be laughter, sadness, joy, and friendship,” Hays notes. “Grief is like that - it moves through us all in various ways, over a period of time.”