Conner Zargo originally conducted this interview for the Rebel Rooster, the student newspaper of Leland & Gray Union High School, where it appeared in the Jan. 9 issue.
TOWNSHEND-There are relationships that people may think are not abusive, but they may actually be harmful because people may not be aware of the signs of abuse. In 2023, 24% of all homicides were determined to be domestic violence–related. In 2023, 24% of all homicides were determined to be domestic violence–related in Vermont.
One in four women in this country will experience intimate partner violence (IPV) in their lifetime, according to Oregon Health & Science University, and one in three teens will experience an abusive relationship. This means that there is a likelihood that a number of female students at Leland & Gray will have experienced domestic abuse before graduation.
Recently, our school newspaper, the Rebel Rooster, spoke with an outreach advocate who works closely with students in schools.
Angela is an advocate at Women’s Freedom Center, the local domestic and sexual violence organization serving both Windham and southern Windsor counties in Vermont. The organization’s goal is “working toward ending men’s violence against women while offering support and advocacy to all survivors of domestic and sexual violence, as well as prevention and educational activities.”
Here is our interview with her.
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Rebel Rooster: What is the availability for teen boys and teen girls when in need?
Angela: We provide emotional support as well as safety planning. So that would just mean helping someone look at their situation and identify who are the safe people in their life, where are the safe places that they could go if they need to, who can they talk to, whether at school or at home. So that would be a couple of our options there.
We do have a shelter, but we don’t shelter people under the age of 18. In Brattleboro, we have an agency, Interaction, where we would typically point someone who is 18, 19, and looking for shelter. They’re really set up with a lot of really helpful youth resources and have youth shelter and youth housing.
R.R.: What can young males do in relationships to prevent intimate partner violence?
Angela: Wow, that’s such a good question. I think that really the biggest thing that would be helpful that I hear from survivors is bystander intervention.
There are so many reasons why someone might not say anything — because they think it’s not my business or someone else is going to take care of that. Right? So we hear from survivors all the time that they wish that at some point someone had said something to them.
It really concerns being an ally and not being afraid to use those tools that would allow one to appropriately and safely intervene.
R.R.: So if I was witnessing something, would I talk to the person that was getting abused, or would I try to get an adult involved? What would be the first best step?
Angela: That’s another great question. And that one’s tough because it can really depend.
A lot of that knowledge of when to step in and how to step in would need to come from students, from young people learning that material from parents and educators, and people like me who go into the community and talk about these things. Because ultimately, what always matters first is safety. That’s our number one priority.
And so, when I talk to students and younger kids about knowing when we can handle something versus when we need outside support — maybe, like you said, from an adult — really what I talk about is what we’re feeling in our bodies. Because our own instincts tend to be really great judges of the kind of help that we need to be seeking out.
So for example, if someone is being sexually inappropriate, or making a gender-based comment about someone in a school hallway, it might feel like you have the energy, you have the courage, to approach that person and say, “You know, that really wasn’t cool.”
Or approach the person who the comment was made about and just offer them some support and say, “I heard or I saw what happened. Are you OK? Is there anything I can do to offer you some support and solidarity?”
And then on the flip side, there is that other alarm bell within us that we see things like physical violence. It’s typically not safe for us to to intervene to either party, so that might be an opportunity where we go and seek some support from from an adult.
At least that’s the language that I use when I’m talking to younger students, but it’s really such a dynamic place, and it takes a lot of practice to be able to have those skills to intervene.
R.R.: What are the best ways to support a friend who has been through sexual assault and domestic violence in their life?
Angela: Offering an ear and listening. An understanding that there’s so much judgment in the world and so much judgment and bias that we carry just as people having grown up in society. Just chatting with a friend and just being able to provide a nonbiased, nonjudgmental listening ear can be such a comfort.
R.R.: Over the time that you’ve been working at the Freedom Center, what are the best things that you could share with everyone?
Angela: Hmm. I guess I would say that more people than we suspect are walking through the world today with the experience of gender-based violence, sexual violence, or intimate partner violence. And before I started working here, that wasn’t really something on my radar.
But now when I step into a room, it’s definitely on my mind, and it helps put me in the perspective of [understanding that] survivors aren’t alone. And the more that we talk about domestic violence and intimate partner violence, the less alone we are.
R.R. What are some signs that someone might be in a domestic violence relationship?
Angela: I would say that a really big sign that I see, especially among younger folks, is isolation.
So maybe someone is seeing their friends less and less or they’re not going to practice anymore. They’re missing things that previously might have made them really happy [and] hobbies that they loved that start to fall through the cracks and that can definitely be something to keep an eye out for.
And then maybe the lack of personal space, [like] someone is having their tech kind of monitored and they can’t have followers on Instagram of a different gender or they can’t hang out with certain people because the partner disapproves.
R.R.: How do you think we should talk about consent in schools?
Angela: Do you talk about it at all now? Not a lot.
Consent has a couple different components, right? At the very least, talking about consent at all is a great start, but I have an acronym for you. So in the business here, we say consent is FRIES. F stands for “freely given.” R stands for “reversible.” I stands for “informed,” meaning you know the full extent of what you are consenting to. E stands for “enthusiastic,” meaning it’s not like an “I guess” or “maybe”; it’s like a “Yes, 100%.” And then S stands for “specific.”
So again, it’s like “I consent to holding your hand today. That doesn’t mean every day.”
R.R.: Is the workshop that you teach at schools free for the school? And what do you talk about in them? And have you tried to reach out to Leland & Gray to do a class or something there?
Angela: I have tried to reach out to Leland and Gray several times and followed up. I’ve not heard back from them.
The workshops can be really specific, and they can be all ages. So the youngest classroom I’ve been in is fourth grade, and we talked about boundaries and consent. And the oldest, you know, still a school-based classroom.
I’ll often sit with the educators and say, “What’s going on for your students? What are the main problems?” And a lot of what we know about dating violence is that these problems can start earlier in friendships.
And so me going in and working in elementary schools is really a collaborative effort to end intimate partner violence before it starts, and being able to talk about friendships and boundaries and setting boundaries on the phone or in person in the classroom.
R.R.: What is one thing that you would teach to prevent intimate partner violence?
Angela: So one thing I really like to talk about with the students is brain chemistry. In grades six through eight, that’s prime puberty time, when the brain is really changing and the bodies are really changing. And it’s really easy for teenagers to become addicted to things because oxytocin is a lot more impactful.
I’m not a brain scientist by any means, but what we know about the cycle of healthy and unhealthy relationships is that oxytocin that is this love chemical in our brain that gives us butterflies and makes us really giggly or stay up late and like to think about my feelings and daydream.
And then when the relationship maybe starts to settle in or go downhill, for some people that oxytocin tanks. We want to do whatever we can to get that oxytocin back. And so a big part, especially for teenagers who are really susceptible to this, is that we become addicted to that cycle. The oxytocin builds and then it plummets, then we’re without it and we want to get it back.
And that translates to feeling really loved and getting that affection. And then when it goes away, we want to do whatever we can to get it back, even if maybe our brain knows better. Still, we are run by those chemicals.
So I like to bring that information to students to help them recognize when they feel like they’re out of control or they are losing control of the situation or their relationship, that it’s not just made up, it’s not just them. This is a real thing that all of us experience, and there are ways to cope with it.
R.R.: What is the biggest piece of advice you could give to the younger generation that are in relationships?
Angela: Advice is tricky, but I would say my hope for students and, or for the younger generation is that we all get to a spot where we can really trust our instincts and we can feel safe enough and held enough by our communities that we are armed with the knowledge of what we need and what we deserve when we go into friendships and relationships. And we are armed with the resources that we might need to move away from relationships that are not serving us.
My hope for the younger generation is that they’re able to really cultivate those resources and that I can help them do that.
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There is a lot of support at Leland & Gray for students who are experiencing difficulties. According to social worker Alicia Carey, “In this building, every adult is a mandated reporter, which means anyone who suspects abuse or neglect is legally required to report it.”
She is also a staff member in a “nondisciplinary role,” so she can “focus on building trusting relationships and creating a safe, comfortable space for students.” Students can reach out to Alicia or other trusted adults for help.
Here are some resources that students can access:
• Women’s Freedom Center (serving Windham & Southern Windsor Counties): 24-hour Crisis Hotline (Windham County): 802-254-6954. Services: Emergency shelter for survivors and children, safety planning, advocacy, hospital and legal support, emotional support and counseling, referrals for additional services.
• Vermont Network Against Domestic & Sexual Violence (statewide coalition/helpline): Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-228-7395. Sexual Violence Hotline: 1-800-489-7273.
• SEVCA (Southeastern Vermont Community Action / Community Resource Center; for housing, basic needs support, utility/energy assistance): Toll-free number: 800-464-9951.
• Emergency/crisis resources: If there is immediate danger: 911 — always first call if safety is at risk.
• For housing crisis outside shelter-specific agencies: call Vermont’s General Assistance Emergency Shelter system at 800-775-0506, or contact the local Economic Services Division office (in Brattleboro, 232 Main Street) for help.
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Editor’s note: As a matter of policy and because of the sensitive and too-often-dangerous nature of their jobs, Women’s Freedom Center staff do not publicly disclose their full names, and The Commons gives them rare anonymity in these pages.
Stories presented as interviews in this format are edited for clarity, readability, and space. Words not spoken by interview subjects appear in brackets.
This Voices Interview was submitted to The Commons.
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